People pleasing

It's been a whole lifetime since I last wrote.

Obviously, I got married. Which is just perfect. I can't explain how it feels to be married without sounding cheesy, but I have to say that the best part is just knowing I don't have to be alone ever again. I'm slowly adjusting to that- I have had a few trials since being married and Andrew is never slow to step up and help carry the weight I thought I had to all by myself. 

We also went to Hawaii! I've never been before, but this vacation was everything to me. Quality time spent with my new husband and my sweet family. Basically, just a giant reminder that I need to slow down every now and then.

And the universe decided to force me to continue to slow down once I got home, where I was humbled greatly with a stomach bug that just will not go away. I have been sick for over three weeks now- off and on. But all last week I felt like a corpse of a person. It was a struggle; it was really hard to get out of bed for work or even visiting family. I felt like I was letting everyone around me down- I just felt so guilty. Which made me realize, I am a big fat ol' people pleaser. 

I love learning new things about myself, it's been so fun figuring out who I am as a person. But I hate the ways that I have to find out these qualities. I cannot put into words the amount of guilt I felt the whole time I've been sick. I hate feeling like I'm not doing enough for everyone in my life. And in addition to that, I hate feeling like people have to put more effort into helping me! I hate help! I never knew that about myself. All these years, I have taken so much on by myself that I forgot people can give back. I'm not saying my friends and family don't ever give a helping hand, but I am saying that typically I am the one that reaches out first.

I have always been the friend you can call at 3am to cry to, yet I almost never have been the one to call when I need help. I rely on myself so that other people don't have to. I am never late, I hardly bail, I just do the most. And that is what I like to do. But being so sick taught me that sometimes, I just simply can't. My body forced me to take a break and it sucked! I felt like I was letting everyone around me down JUST BECAUSE I WAS SICK.

If you can't tell by now, I am really hung up on this. I am kind of stuck in a limbo now, trying to decide where to draw the line between just being sweet and being almost too selfless. Ugh okay, that makes me sound like a saint which I most definitely am not so let me rephrase. How do I continue to give like I always have while still giving myself love and help from others when needed? How do I know the difference between just helping and being a people pleaser?

I don't have an answer to these questions, but I do have a system now. My system consists of asking myself a question whenever I am about to do something. "Am I losing anything by doing this only for the benefit of someone else?" For example, the days that I was too sick to go into work, I hated myself for taking the day off. But I would have been sacrificing my actual wellbeing and health if I had forced myself to go in based only on the fear of letting others down.

After living with these questions in my head the past few weeks, I have found a sort of solitude that is so refreshing. I have managed to grow into myself in a way that let me live for me, instead of tiptoeing around for others! I find myself having more fun. I find myself healing faster.
I find myself feeling my emotions to a full, which allows me to feel and then move on. I feel like I have stepped into a whole different type of air. I had written the above paragraphs over a month ago and left them in my drafts. But I wanted to come back now and review if there has been a difference in my life or not. And I can confidently say there is. I didn't try hard, it just kind of slowly happened. But I am realizing more and more that your 20's are in fact for finding yourself- as cheesy as that is. As soon as I think I am my authentic self, I am hit with a new opportunity to get closer to me, and it has been so fun becoming my own friend. The only person I am trying to please at this point is me.